Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd want to punch him in the face; he'd just seem like a whiner to you. But the fact is that he's funny.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

And now it looks like I’m probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can’t have women voting.

When you’re on the road a lot, you’re in perpetual search of a good night’s sleep.

I like gambling on stuff that you don’t know anything about. That’s when it’s exciting.

Howard’s unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.